What I Hope to Work On
On November 23, 2023 my life changed forever. My husband of 24 years died suddenly of a heart attack. I did the planning, come grieving, and a lot of pretending that I was okay. I pulled it off for two years.
Glimpses of the past, steps towards tomorrow
Here you'll find candid updates on my day-to-day life. I believe in the power of sharing, and through these posts, I aim to shed light on the path of healing and self-discovery.
Another Tuesday
This project has been in the works for some time now. My therapist suggested that I keep a journal, share my thoughts on Facebook, or simply express my feelings through writing. Naturally, I found myself overthinking it: Where do I begin? What should I share? Why do I need to delve into such personal territory?
As I progress through my therapy sessions and outpatient treatment, I've come to understand that the starting point isn't as important as the act of starting itself. There are still aspects I'm hesitant to disclose, but I'm hopeful that as time goes on, I'll find the courage to open up more.
For as long as I can remember, sleep has eluded me. Whether it's falling asleep, staying asleep, or achieving a truly restful night, I've struggled with it all. Decades ago, I was prescribed antidepressants in an attempt to "quiet" my racing thoughts, but so far, nothing has brought relief.
In the fleeting moments of sleep I do manage to catch, I'm often haunted by nightmares. Initially, they would only emerge when I left Jim's side of the bed untouched; I felt compelled to put something there—a lot of something—to stave off the terrors. However, with the addition of blackout curtains and a cooler environment, I've found myself waking to shadows that painfully remind me of Jim's absence.
In some dreams, he appears to comfort me, but all too often, I find myself in nightmarish scenarios that leave me feeling utterly unsettled. I keep hoping for a reprieve, but it hasn’t come yet.
Wednesday, April 1st
Today has been quite challenging. I'm not feeling well and have been relying on NyQuil to get some rest and tackle this dreadful cold that's been creeping in.
Last night, I managed to sleep through, likely thanks to the medication. However, I still woke up abruptly at 4:07 A.M., too exhausted to keep my eyes open.
I’ve been considering catching a movie with a close friend. But when I tried watching one last night to see how I'd fare, I found myself in tears at various points. It seems like Traci and I will need to maintain our walks instead and postpone the movie outing for a bit longer.
Finally, an update
Lately, I've been feeling unwell due to a cold and my asthma, which has been quite challenging. I experience shortness of breath and frequent coughing, leading to headaches, with my ribs and chest aching whenever I cough. Fortunately, there’s a plan in place to hopefully alleviate these symptoms. If that doesn’t work, I’ll be heading to the doctor.
When I’m feeling down, it’s tough to muster the motivation for anything. However, my youngest and I managed to go out for Easter dinner. My older son and his girlfriend were at home, feeling under the weather. We enjoyed hearty ribs and potatoes at a local restaurant—it was delicious.
I’ve been plagued by unsettling dreams lately. Just last night, I dreamt that doctors informed me they needed to remove my heart, warning me that, given the complications, I might not have much longer to live. I struggled to comprehend how I could survive without a heart to pump blood through my veins. Awakened by fear, I found myself in my grandparents' house, surrounded by aunts, uncles, and cousins, preparing to share my grim prognosis. Jim was there to support me, and the intensity of the dream was both vivid and terrifying—it's what ultimately jolted me awake.
As I reflected on the dream, I realized it stemmed from my deep longing for Jim. His passing has felt like a part of my heart was ripped away. Yet, I know that’s not entirely true; I cry at the little things, become angry in an instant, and fight for each breath almost daily. I'm striving to be strong because I know that’s what Jim would want. But it’s a daily struggle.
April 7, 2026
Yesterday’s therapy session was challenging. We delved into a nightmare I experienced, and my interpretation of it contrasted sharply with my therapist's. I found my therapist's perspective more uplifting; it reflected the positivity I've shown the world over the years, despite my underlying tendency towards pessimism.
Nightmares have become somewhat of a pattern for me. While I’ve always been a vivid dreamer, nightmares were once a rarity. However, the recurring nature of these dreams has pushed my subconscious to adapt. For instance, if I encounter a familiar threat on a particular route, I instinctively choose an alternate path in subsequent dreams. Similarly, when fleeing from danger, barriers often manifest between me and my pursuer, or I discover the ability to fly to escape. Until now, I've only struggled with one recurring dream that eludes resolution.
This morning, I planned to finally clean and rearrange our room. Yet, once again, fatigue overwhelmed me. Though I’m making the effort, the results feel minimal. I can’t help but feel lazy, yearning for the day when I wake up and truly tackle the tasks on my to-do list.
Sometimes, I think rearranging things might help me feel better. Yet, I hesitate to make any changes since Jim passed away. Moving items feels like leaving a piece of him behind. Why can't I take that step? I'm afraid that altering the space will intensify my nightmares, and then my mind spirals with questions about how changing the house could affect everything.
I'm still battling this stubborn cough, so I finally decided to visit the doctor. They prescribed me antibiotics and steroids to manage my asthma. I’m hopeful that soon I'll feel better and be able to move around without gasping for breath.
There's so much I want to accomplish—laundry, tidying up the living room so I can start exercising, and washing the dishes. You know, the fun stuff! My energy was already low, but being sick has really zapped it.
Aside from that, things have been okay. A wonderful friend and her partner came by last weekend, repaired the fence, and cleared some fallen trees to ensure the dogs stay secure. I’m incredibly grateful for their help and insisted they take something in return for their hard work. Their generosity was unexpected, and I truly feel blessed to have such amazing people in my life.
Create Your Own Website With Webador